Living daily

I went into psychotherapy after the rape & was convinced that I had completed enough therapy to get through my life.  But, gradually over the past couple of months, I find myself again withdrawing from society and having panic attacks when I think about going out or attending church.  I am weeping more often again and withdrawing from family and friends. Numbness. Failure. I am relapsing.  I have to figure out why. I have to ask Jesus why, again.

I don't have problems with conversations regarding the weather or other news. I can pretend well. It's a gift.   I don't want my children to know when I am having a really hard time, so I keep a smile on my face or I just delve into another project.  At work, I also have to put forth a different persona. Why?  When you are a leader at work, people judge your decision making and mental health. 

When you step out and tell people, even your boss, about sexual assualt and violent crime, it is out there for everyone. For instance people in our society think, "Why did she make that decision or does it really make sense for her to be in a place of leadership at all?"  After all, she suffered through "that thing" and she cannot possibly be normal ever again.  And please don't tell me I am paranoid because I have been approached and asked about these things.  Add on top of that, my complicated migraines, and life just gets more "out of control" and doctors and friends suggest that I should go on permanent disability.

I know that I have to go back into therapy.  I feel frightened most of the time or I just want to be left alone. The evil man who attacked me is still out there, walking loose amongst us. 

I made myself a long necklace with a big cross and tiny hearts & leaf charms attached.  It is meant to remind me of one of my favorite songs by Mercy Me. 

My heart will fly

Why this happened I cannot explain

Why write the script with such heartache and pain?

Could there not have been an easier way?

Watching life through this glass so faded

I cannot see the bigger picture taking place

Oh to understand one day

And my heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly

Away, away

Won't be long 'til we all go home

With all things revealed

And on that day we'll finally know

Oh as we are finally known

And what appears as incomplete

Is still completely Yours

And one day we'll see

As we've been seen

And we'll SOAR

And my heart will fly

When I finally see you face to face

And my tears will fly

Away, away

And my heart will fly

And my heart. . .