written 9/18/2010...posted 9/20/10
My life has always been full of questions, as most human lives are. Childhood & teenage questions, marriage and all of the complications two people face together, grieving with death of friends & relatives & miscarriages, severe & constant medical issues, living through strokes and what seems like a million migraines, raising children to respect others. Some questions are answered, but to other questions I scream WHY?!! I am only 51, but I feel that I have seen and felt such hideous evil, that I can barely keep my sanity. If you don't agree with me, read further.
Because I am a woman, I feel that I can only speak for women. So I say this: One of the only things worse than losing a child, is being raped. Add to that, being brutally raped, and you have hit the lowest point of maintaining dignity and sanity. As when I grieved over a serious miscarriage, no one knows how to talk to me, no one knows the internal and external trauma that I bear. Everything has lost meaning. After two months, I am really no closer to healing internally. I have to pretend to be sane each day because I have a family, and a job that supports my family. I have learned to suppress who I really am and have invented a woman who focuses on the moment and not the dark, dark evil that eats her alive.
I have closed my other blog and quit Facebook because they existed in another lifetime. I do not know the reason that I feel the need to make this blog public to my friends and family...except for the need that they need to know that I am not strong. I am not positive (except for pretending), I am not happy. I am grasping at imaginary ropes each day to keep from drowning. The Susan that lived at 11:18 am on July 26, 2010 no longer exists. That personality sadly died and a new one was born around 11:25 am, July 26,2010. The old Susan believed in God and had a basic trust in humanity. The new Susan does not pray, does not read the Bible, does not sing, does not feel loved, and will never, ever be the old Susan again.
I will write what happened in this posting only, but then concentrate on my quest for answers. What I say here should not be read by anyone who really cannot stomach violence and pure hatred. But I have decided to share my story and not to be so private about what happened. Some generations will judge me for making it public, but I feel the need to share, even if it is humiliating and painful. Some of you, who may subscribe to my blog, will then be there with me through the experience of trying to find answers to my questions. So, henceforth the story comes.
On a hot & sunny Monday morning, dated July 26, 2010, I awoke with a fever of 101 and decided to stay home from work. Tony went to work, Elliott was in bed & Ellen had stayed the night at her friends upstairs to babysit that early morning. Elliott slept soundly with a fan that sounded like an airplane. Ellen came downstairs and knocked on the door about 11:00 am. She had the little girl she was babysitting on her shoulders. They played with our cat and got a cookie. Ellen said she would be home in about 10-15 minutes and asked that I leave the door unlocked because she didn't have her key. I told her I would be in the shower.
I took a quick shower, put on some clean clothes and went to the living room. I was sitting on the edge of the couch when the door opened. I thought it was Ellen and didn't even look up for a split second. The door closed and a man stood there and screamed at me, "Oh, you stupid bitch! You are the wrong one!" I jumped up and tried get away but he grabbed me and knocked me out by hitting the back of my head. I soon awoke on my back with plastic stuffed in my mouth. He continued to curse over and over. I could not tell what he looked like because he had on a hooded sweatshirt (weird because it was hot) and his shirt pulled over his nose. My glasses had also been knocked off. He attacked me sexually and was not pleased with the results. He went out of my sight for a few seconds and returned. To my horror, he then attacked me sexually with a knife. I remember thinking that if I stayed quiet maybe he would not kill me AND maybe, just maybe Elliott would not wake up and come out of his room.
The unknown male cursed again and then left, leaving the front door wide open. I won't detail what happened the rest of that horrible, pitiful day, except to say that I went by ambulance to the hospital and made myself endure more unbearable & unthinkable acts to document what had happened.
Believe me, these few moments of absolute terror constantly go through my mind, over and over and over. Speaking of this crime makes me physically ill. It is day #45.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately and now I know why. I asked the question once upon a time, "Why is it that hose already shouldering tremendous burdens are asked to carry more?" I was referring to my son when he started having seizure type events this past year.
ReplyDeleteSo again I ask the same question...not of you of course...I know God has brought us together even if across the US.....
Did I ever tell you about my daughter's assult? It was a hot summer day as well...1 week before her 14th birthday (she's now 15)....she too went by ambulance and endured the same "kit" you are unfortunately familiar with as well.....OSBI found no evidence even though the boy (17 yrs old) was still in the park...my daughter ended up on anxiety medication, his life went on
my heart aches deeply for you....and i will pray until you can pray again...do not let anyone tell you WHEN you should read or pray again...they have not walked in your shoes....He has not left you and will send many to comfort
hug from oklahoma!
jennifer
i hope you don't mind me making more comments...my heart is heavy...my mind is full of thoughts of you...i can't stop thinking about it....i told you before that i so loved how "real" you are....and i'll say it again...thank you for being honest...thank you for saying out loud what many think but won't say out loud because it doesn't sound "correct"....
ReplyDeletei've been really mad about things going on in my life...nothing to compare, but there are days i don't want to pray, don't want to go to church, don't want to listen to how "perfect" everyone's life is....their tough day was deciding which coffee to get but there are those who can hardly get out of bed each day cuz the pain is so great...today i posted on FB that i need a break from life...day after day of physical and emotional pain...it eats at you like a worm in an apple....
you've been on my mind lately
ReplyDeleteSusan.. (it's SusieM) when you wrote of the anniversary.. I had to seek out if you were really speaking of what I thought you were. I'm sorry isn't enough. You see, this happened to Jennifer, just blocks from our home, by 3 men. She had been walking the dog.. she was just a couple of months shy of 15. She came home after dark, and I, from the kitchen, said to her, "You know the rules, what have I told you about coming home after dark?" I turned the corner as I said that and found her going up the stairs.. and I started to say, "Why aren't you putting the leash away?" But instead, upon looking at her, I asked "Why are you crying.." She hasitly said, "I'm not, I was running to get home, and I'm all sweaty, so I'm gonna take a shower." I said ok. But in the next couple of wks, she got very mean, dismissive - not her, and just not ok.. having to get onto her several times for attitude. Finally, I said, "Come to my room, you need to talk to me and tell me what's going on?" She left, to which I said, get back here. She didn't. She ran upstairs and then back again, and threw a book onto my bed, and went into my closet. It was her diary. I opened it up, and I couldn't believe the words on the pages.
ReplyDeleteShe's now 23, and still living at home, with no serious relationships. She can't be hugged, she can't be "surprised", and she sees a psychiatrist still to this day when she needs it. I keep wondering where I failed to "know." Of course we called the police, and an investigation ensued.. and where it happend was in a park, at the back of our neighborhood, at the edge of some trees, and Dallas/Plano/Carrollton all converge near there - in the city block area. It turns out that 2 other rapes had happenened, except the others were in Dallas. BUT, they were all the same - all like this one..they knew where the person lived, the family members, the routines, and threatened their mother's life with the knife held at their throats, if she/they talked. Only.. one of the girls they raped, didn't keep quite. The 3 men were convictd of one rape, and 2 had a previous assault on record. Jenn still had the underwear she had on that day, but there wasn't enough "*" on it for testing, as it was just in the back of her closet. So these 3 men (24-27 at the time of Jenn's attack) were given 10yrs. They are already out--and I wish/as does Gordon and Richard know where they were. It's prob good that we don't. It's not fair or right, because we will all live with this the rest of our lives. Jenn worried about being a virgin when she gets married. Gordon and I (and her Christian psychiatrist) have all told her that this was about brutality, not sex. As far as God is concerned, her "virginity" is intact. What I was far worried more about, was her immune insufficiency that she was born with. By the grace of God..she wasn't "given" anything that could make things worse. I certainly hope that didn't "get" anything either.
Susan, I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I can't imagine the horrors you or my daughter went through - even though I have tried. My prayers are with you, and I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but I don't know that it does. My heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for the lady above. Even though you can't pray for yourself.. know I'll be praying for you. Much love sent to you tonight.